thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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