my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
