So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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