Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
