I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
