Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
