if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
