Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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