I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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