i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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