Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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