I cannot find my penis.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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