at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
