I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
