Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
