someone threw a dead crab at me
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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