Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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