I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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