i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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