never play flip cup with pint glasses
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.