well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.