Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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