I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
