He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
