I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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