so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
