Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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