OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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