pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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