someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
