I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
