dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
