lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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