He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
