I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
