$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
