JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
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She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
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I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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