OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
