Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
