worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
