i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
