I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
