The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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