If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I look better un-naked...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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