what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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