Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have aggressive nipples.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
