I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
