At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
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Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
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Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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