Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
