I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
