i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Is it because I queefed?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
