Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
