You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
