You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
