her vagina looked like bernie madoff
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
