Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
