I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
