She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
