$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
