remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
