watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
