Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
